Covert Emotional Incest: Siblings

 Dr. Sojin Park:

(I convert Korean to English, there may be conjugation errors)

 No Boundaries: Love Or Unhealthy Relationship

Covert emotional incest begins when a person perceives and responds to a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner. Siblings involved in covert emotional incestious relationships have no boundaries. This begins early with dysfunctional families. A mother with self-doubt, an alcoholic father, an absent mother/father; there are many things can cause co-dependency in siblings. This ranges from: being comfortable seeing each others naked bodies, seeing each other in undergarments, buying personal items, sitting on each others laps, physically touching them in inappropriate places, feeling left out when one has a significant other, and feeling replaced when one sibling develops emotional feelings for another person. This is very common in opposite sex siblings. Often times the older one steps into the role the parent has not filled. Assuming responsibility and taking care of their sibling thus making them emotionally dependent (CO-DEPENDENT). This sets up an unhealthy cycle with little to no boundaries emotionally, sexually, and financially. It blurs the lines of a healthy sibling dynamic. There is bond between siblings that is unbreakable, there is a love that is indescribable but there must be a line. Co-dependent siblings have no boundaries and involve their siblings in every facet of their lives. Co-dependent siblings rely on emotional guidance and physical support from their siblings.Your sibling becomes a consultant for all your emotional affairs. Co-dependent siblings have difficulty maintaining relationships beyond their sibling dynamic. They compare every potential lover to their sibling. If their lovers don’t understand them in the way their siblings do, they are seen as “wrong”, “unhealthy”, or “intolerable”. They treat all their partners/friends like they would treat their sibling(s). They have no separate identity. Most co-dependent siblings share all of the same interest, friends, and hobbies. They mirror and compliment each other, and complete each others personalities. If they find their sibling is attracted to someone different from them they begin to have feelings of displacement.
Their ideal match is someone similar to their sibling. Emotional incest can slip under the radar and be disguised as just being “close”. To be close and to be overly attached are two separate things.

Signs you (or your) sibling is CO-DEPENDENT:

1. Your sibling idolizes you in an unhealthy way (adopting all the same likes and dislikes)
2. People often mistake you as a couple or married folk.
3. Your sibling knows the most intimate details of your: marriage, relationship, sex life, and financial history.
4. When going out with friends you often take your sibling as your date when all your mates are with a significant other.
5. You have no boundaries when it comes to the physical body. - this includes: seeing your sibling naked, seeing your sibling in their underwear regularly, leaving dirty underwear around, discussing sex toys, knowing your siblings cycle/birth control schedule, touching or playing with your siblings flaccid/hard penis or nipples, sitting on each others laps after puberty, etc..( many of these behaviors can be seen as harmless but rarely do people do it with a sibling, keep in mind these are normal behaviors for a married couple/relationship).
6. Your sibling only dates your friends, co-workers, or people within your circle. (your sibling looks for people like you to fulfill their sexual void, you cover their emotional void, and now they need someone to physically engage with)
7. Your sibling is at the forefront of conflict with your friends, roommates, and significant other constantly. (They feel the need to highly be involved with your life not solely because they care, but because they assume it is their place to make complex emotional decisions for you)
8. Your parents were emotionally unbalanced. (your household/parent dynamic forced you to be closer for support)
9. Your sibling feels left out when you have a significant other. (They begin to text you more, get you more gifts, and express the desire to spend time with you more)
10. You live together and share a space with little to no boundaries during adulthood. (Having your own space is necessary for mental, sexual, and spiritual growth)
11. Your parents maintain the cycle of incest by forcing your sibling to divulge your personal affairs, and financial history.

I think it’s important to remember that there are different degrees of emotional incest. It’s not an all or nothing kind of thing. Sometimes emotional incest is extremely severe and debilitating, and other times it’s more moderate and can almost go unnoticed. Regardless of its intensity, though, emotional incest is harmful and unhealthy. The ties that bind turn easily into the bonds that strangle when you have an unhealthy relationship with co-dependent siblings. This behavior is rooted deeply in their own inferiority, where they feel incapable or unworthy of being in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. Selflessness masks control, which feeds off ongoing crisis to sustain itself. Often co-dependency is a learned behavior that thrives within the unhealthy rules of a dysfunctional family dynamic. To break this destructive pattern, you must first change the rules. Because the co-dependent relationship is based on low self-esteem, make each member of the family feel important and valued based on who they are rather than what they do for others. As you build self-esteem from personal accomplishment, you establish a more concrete foundation for relationships in the future. Basing worth on external sources, such as relationships with others, sets up your siblings to flounder when there is no one around them they can "fix." Encourage your siblings to take care of themselves instead or to accept a helping hand, a compliment or a gift without feeling guilty.